Divorce: An Emotional Rollercoaster

Divorce is never a pleasant experience. The emotions involved before, during and after divorce can be painful, confusing, complex and sometimes frightening. However, learning from how others coped with the trauma may help one in picking up the threads and moving on...

Divorce is never a pleasant experience. The emotions involved before, during and after divorce can be painful, confusing, complex and sometimes frightening. Picking up the threads and moving on may seem like the most difficult thing to do and requires considerable effort and adjustment. We spoken to people who have had to grapple with divorce induced trauma - people who have emerged triumphant after the ordeal and are now leading more productive, fulfilling lives

Actress Farha married Vindhu Singh, Dhara Singh's son at the peak of her film career and happily threw it all away just to be the quintessential Indian wife. When things began spiraling out of control, she opted for a divorce after ten years of marriage. The decision left her with custody of her young son but minus a steady source of income and a roof over her head. She had to start from scratch. "Those who have been through the ordeal know that a divorce is the hardest, most traumatic period of one's life. And it doesn't just involve the two of you but your respective families as well, including the children, who are affected most. The grief and pain is similar to that experienced when someone close to you dies. But in this case, the person concerned is still alive and getting on with his own life - perhaps in the same neighborhood."

She recalls one of the most frustratingly awkward situations, "Whenever I would go to a friend's house and there were children there with both their parents and there I was standing all alone with my child. It was at times like these that all that hurt and anger came rushing back. I felt, 'How could he do this to us?' It's all his fault!"

"Today, me and Vindhu are the best of friends. If I have something to share, I call him up. The three of us go out for movies or dinner together or with common friends. But to reach this comfort level, I've had to work on my ego issues and insecurities, as immediately after the divorce, there was a lot of resentment and anger." The ex didn't do much to help either, "The day after the divorce was legalized, Vindhu threw his friends a so-called 'freedom party' to celebrate his new-found freedom from the wife. This was probably done to spite me and yes it hurt. I have managed to let go and moved on, but my mother still cannot bring herself to forgive my ex-husband. It is after all natural for a parent to hold a grudge against someone who has hurt their offspring and ruined his/her life."

While her mother and sister Tabu stood by her through it all, Farha claims her strongest ally was herself. "A divorce leaves you at your most vulnerable, but you have to be strong if you have to pull through that phase. Friends will console you and hold your hand, but can they share your pain? Or your loneliness? Moreover most married women are scared of a divorced woman. They may be your closest friends, but once you're single again they think of you as a threat; someone out to snare their man for herself in order to fill the void."

Looking back in retrospect Farha says, "I had tried really hard to make it work. But Vindhu though jobless refused to give up on his gambling and insisted on keeping the wrong kind of company. These were things that infuriated me and lead to heated arguments. The fights when looked at individually weren't really all that important, but as they got more frequent, the bad times began outweighing the good and I decided enough was enough. I wish his parents had intervened at that stage. Or perhaps had insisted that he get his act together, but they didn't. It was more convenient to blame the wife and take his side. After we divorced, Vindhu's mother tried to get me to come back. But it was too late."

Farha admits that like 99 per cent of divorced mothers she too wanted to lash out at her ex-husband in the most obvious way - by denying him visitation rights. "If the father is fond of his child, the best way to hurt him is to separate him from his child. But this is detrimental to the growth of the child who ends up insecure and resentful of the fact that he never got an opportunity to know his/her father. My parents too were divorced and I never got to know my father. I don't blame my mother for not keeping in touch with my him; I'm sure she had her reasons. But those feelings of remorse did surface at times when I saw my classmates in school with both their parents," she says.

"I wanted my son to feel complete and loved and not grow into an insecure, manipulative child who slyly pits one parent against the other to get his way. Hence I put in a determined attempt to bridge the gap caused by our divorce." And in doing so Farha has also succeeded in moving on with her life, "I am on friendly terms with Vindhu and his present girlfriend. I am into television production and making custom made diamond jewelry". Prod on about the chances of a second marriage and she reveals, "Yes, there is another man in my life, but marriage isn't on the cards. I'm not yet ready to step into another relationship." A case of once bitten, twice shy.

Model Gautam Kapur talks candidly about his failed marriage with model/actress Suman Ranganathan, "Sure I made many mistakes; I'm only human. I'm not a saint. And I don't believe in blinding myself from the truth. Most people don't realize or refuse to accept their mistakes. Their pride, ego, etc. prevent them from coming to terms with reality. And it's much easier to hold your ex responsible for the failure of your relationship by saying, 'Oh it was all her/his fault!' So what if the marriage didn't work out. Accept your mistakes and move on."

Gautam and Suman have been separated for five months and their divorce is yet to come through, but the soon-to-be ex-husband matter-of-factly states that he has moved on. "Basically, it all boils down to the individual's state of mind. Like most other things divorce cannot be labeled 'good' or 'bad'. What society at large refers to as a 'bad' thing may just have some good come out of it." He elaborates, "Divorce is simply a clash of two minds. Sure, you should try to iron out differences through marital counseling, etc. But if the problems are irreconcilable it is better to let go and part ways. Time is the best healer." The model turned businessman is today immersed in his work and is bares all about his failed marriage, but Suman on the other hand feels she still isn't comfortable discussing the relationship.

The outcome of a divorce is often two embittered individuals who simply can't stand the sight of each other. But this needn't always be the case. Couples who have split after a brief marriage find it easier to overcome the pain and the hurt and remain friends or at least maintain a cordial relationship. As Gautam so succinctly puts it, "Life is too short to harbor ill-feelings."

But the anger and hurt cannot be suppressed either and needs to be redirected to serve a constructive purpose. Veejay turned television actress Ruby Bhatia says she used the anger to propel her to move on with her life. "The divorce took around a year and a half to come through and this was the toughest phase. I found myself battling over petty material possessions and property." She continues, "It was all very upsetting. There was this constant bickering, 'why should you have this, I bought it'. Not because I really wanted it but just to get back at him. I even used to have these nightmares of spotting him with a new wife. When he did eventually get married, I was surprisingly okay with it."

She says, "After a month or two, I would often just burst out crying. It was like as if something had died and there was this mourning process I had to go through, where I found it difficult to even eat." But it was only a matter of time before the mourning period came to an end and she found a new purpose in life, a raison d'etre. "I fell in love with ISKON - Hare Krishna Land. The experience was so divine. I now found the time to pursue my love for philosophy which was something I wanted to do since the age of 19." Ruby is also grateful for the support of the parents who though traditional in their views stood by her through her divorce. "I come from a family where we believe marriage is for keeps. Divorce was not a done thing. Yet my parents have been so gracious and dignified. There was none of that 'we told you so' nor do they discus my marriage with others."

Sheepishly the actress admits to even going through a phase when she was so emotionally vulnerable and attracted to anyone and everyone. "I would look at an Udipi waiter at Shiv Sagar and tell my friend 'oh he's so cute and so nice'." Then suddenly on a serious note she adds, "I always knew Nitin and myself were not right for each other. We were just so different. He is so cool and chilled out and I am over hyper and very restless. I would constantly break up with him, but the attachment and attraction was so strong that after two days I'd go back to him. I glad we did get married else I would always have wondered what life would him would have been like. Now I know. While he was a very loving and attentive husband, there was no respect in the relationship - it was very immature."

Like her ex-husband Ruby says men tend to move on quicker than women. If not emotionally at least physically. But Gautam begs to differ, "I can't speak for all men, but I haven't hastily jumped into another relationship. For me it has always been career first and that's what I'm focusing on right now. I'm also very spiritual and that has helped keep me on track."

Ruby advises, "You need to put your emotions on the back burner. If you feel you are better off without a particular person, stick by your decision. Be detached and very focused on what you want. Even if you are dating or married, spend time with your family and friends, go out with them on holidays, traveling or just shopping. There's more to life than just being in a relationship. You don't have to be together 24/7. By all means love to the fullest, but down let your partner own you. Farha too seconds this view. "While it is important to give your partner his space, it is also equally essential to give yourself space." Both women agree that is vital for a wife to be financially independent for their men to respect them. "If you can't work outside the home because of the kids, work from the home itself. Take up tailoring or catering, something you are good at. When your man knows you have other options, you aren't helpless and dependent he will think twice before taking you for granted or straying," says Farha.

But not all divorce related problems come with a simple solution. Take for example the case of Rajesh D*, an architect. He separated from his wife over four years ago, leaving behind an eight -year-old daughter in her custody. A year after their separation he moved in with Smriti*, a public relations consultant and they have been living together ever since. The ride was a bumpy one and the arrival of their son only made matters worse. Rajesh confesses that the divorce was painful and further complicated his life. "I love my daughter very much and would like to spend more time with her. In fact, I would like to be a good father to both my children. Though the differences between me and my ex-wife were irreconcilable, I can't help but feel like I have abandoned them and that there are times when they need me."

Smriti too admits that the weekly custody visits leave her feeling insecure and threatened. "The thought that three of them are spending time together as a family is very disconcerting. I guess my insecurities stem from the fact that the two of us still haven't married. Every time he goes to see Raina (his daughter), I am constantly plagued by doubts, 'What if they patch up? What happens to me and my son? Sure I'm doing well and I can take care of the both of us. But doesn't my son deserve a father? After Rajesh had split with his ex he was a shattered man. I helped him piece his life back together and now they seem to be getting along fine." Obviously Rajesh and Smriti raise questions that seem impossible to answer and doubts difficult to quell. The two have issues that can be only done away with proper counseling and therapy sessions.

Some of the names have been changed on request.