The Villain in a Marriage

Love is demanding and when a partner fails to fulfill the other’s needs, anger takes root. Anger, the main villain in a lasting relationship, needs to be dealt with patiently. For, it takes just a spark to ignite a temper.

For, whom the Gods joined let no man tear asunder! This is a noble thought but couples tend to ignore the fact that it is usually their own emotions gone out-of-control that play the villain in relationships. And the most difficult emotion to handle is anger. It gets sparked off for the silliest of reasons – a word out of place, absent-minded behavior or a petty ego trip, and anger has a snowballing effect and before one could spell ‘relationship’, it would have devastated lives. For, temper usually leads to impulsiveness, which in turn results in hasty decisions.

Psychologist couple Dr. Rajan and Minnu Bhonsle believe that confrontation between two individuals is as inevitable as snow in the South Pole as opinions or preferences are bound to clash. “The only way to resolve anger is through honest communication, which means not just expressing your thoughts freely and frankly, but also having the patience to listen to the other’s opinion in a non-judgmental fashion,” says Dr. Rajan.

So, if confrontation and anger are inevitable, is there something the couples could do in order to reduce the venom of this villain? For starters, one should become a good communicator. Fury is a result of bottled up unexpressed anger and the only way to avoid pent-up anger is to ensure that issues and problems are discussed and resolved in a regular fashion. Here is a quick check on the things a couple should be doing regularly:

Having said all this, it would be worthwhile to remember that anger has a positive side to it too. “Constructive anger is another form of assertive expression and is usually not directed against people, with the angry person focusing more on resolving problems,” says Dr. Minnu Bhonsle. “Constructive anger also involves moving beyond feeling angry, to acting on it, i.e. doing something about the events and circumstances you dislike, or in other words, moving to problem solving”, adds Dr. Rajan.

What’s more, anger can also contribute to physical and mental ill health. It can cause physical problems like disturbed sleep, tiredness, hypertension, heart problems, ulcers, stiffness in the joints, and other physical complications. An expression of hostile anger is also destructive to relationships, leading to guilty feelings and self-directed anger for causing hurt and pain to others, and also isolation and alienation from others due to the damaged relationships.

Says marriage counselor Jitesh Visaria, “Clashes between couples mainly rise due to ego hassles. The common flare-up between couples is due to the sentiment, “Why does all my hard-work for the family go unnotice?” The other factor that contributes to making couples angry is financial tensions. Lack of finance to meet the couples’ needs and dreams can lead to disharmony.”

A marriage can never be a bed of roses. So, be prepared for little fights, because these little arguments only add to your love. Where love exists, a little disagreement is fine. It falls upon both individuals in a marriage to ensure that small fights do not become big. And the best way to ensure this is for one partner to keep silent during an argument and revert to the topic a few days later when tempers cool down.